Need a laugh today?

There ought to be a better way to start the day than getting up in the morning.

When I was a kid, I had a lazy eye, and it spread to the rest of my body.

Kids are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they are going to catch you in next.

No one ever went to the grave saying, "I wish I had eaten more rice cakes."

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

You know you are on a diet when a postage stamp tastes good.

The advantage of exercise is that you die healthier.

My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. Today I drove past a store that sells sweat pants. 

The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there!

 I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain!

I usually try to take it one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

I may look busy, but I'm just confused.

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

 Buy one for the price of two, and get the second one free!

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I only wanted paychecks.

Quote from the boss: I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame it on you.

Sorry - yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.